POSITIVE-FREE ZONE
The minute I decide that I'm going to be more positive (I've even got backup from the awesome Kimberly) all I want to do is complain.
I wish I weren't so very predictable.
It's not even bitching for entertainment's sake - it's more like "I'm starting my diet tomorrow, so today I'm gonna eat all the crappy chocolate in the house that I don't even like because I WON'T BE ABLE TO LATER."
So if I'm gonna be like that, I may as well get it out of my system:
1) Uncomfortable? That too. I've been ignoring what's likely a pinched nerve in my neck and I haven't been comfortable in weeks. I've been avoiding going to the doctor - because I don't feel he takes me seriously - and it's totally demoralizing to take off work to do the health care runaround with no tangible results. (...with no car*) Add HMO/primary-care changing annoyance/he's not as bad as the last one/who knows if the next would be worse/ angst; mix in some self-recrimination for not taking care of myself in the first place and GRAR.
2) *Ok, the car is fine (fortunately) - it's my license that's the issue and I'm not even getting into that right now.
3) Hi. I'm fat. No, seriously. I have to replace my entire motherfucking wardrobe - on a 'you have got to be kidding me' budget - because nothing fits. I can't do waistbands. At all. I don't even know how to dress anymore! I've really, REALLY tried to get on board with accepting myself as I am (Honestly, I get nothing but positive reinforcement and support - seriously) but I feel like I ate a ton of bricks and I look like I'm pregnant. Taking the stairs has become a production, and I spent weekends ROCK CLIMBING last year, for fuck's sake. It's freaking me right out because I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. Which leads to-
4) SHITTING FUCK I'm getting old and I have absolutely no idea how to cope with that. At all. In related news, my shockingly bad memory is getting worse - and I didn't think that would be possible. It's kind of hard to get an entire sentence out without stumbling, and my spelling is going to shit. To say this frightens me doesn't do it justice.
So now I've taken a huge, nasty shit on the front page of my lovely blog. I'm hoping that getting it out of my head and onto a page is enough to reboot my brain so I can start over tomorrow without any of this stuff getting in the way.
Wish me luck or its equivalent. Aren't you glad I started blogging again?
Also? Can we please not do the "Oh, but you're not fat/old!!!" thing? Not only because there's nothing wrong with being either fat or old (or both!) but because I'm not here for the sympathy or to have my feelings invalidated. I'm here because writing is the best way I've found to figure out how I want to deal with stuff and move forward.
/gathers courage, and post!
Labels: 1st World Problems, Get Over Myself Already, Let's Start Over Tomorrow, Unfounded Bitching
