Monday, October 24, 2005

Midterms: The Drama - Part II

For as long as I can remember, I've been plagued with the "What will the neighbors think?!" syndrome. (Thanks, mom.) Two of the most troubling symptoms have been an excessive regard for authority figures and the very strong need to be liked. I think that's part of the reason I was able to find success in hierarchical corporate organizations: figure out who is really in charge, and then make damn sure they like me. Put in those terms, it actually sounds much more manipulative than it really was. The truly difficult part is that this is an unconscious, reflexive coping mechanism. I was tied into the belief system that I desperately needed these ill-fitting, soul-sucking jobs, and I couldn't (and in some ways still can't) stop being the good little compliant employee. Fortunately, I've left the corporate world behind, so how on earth does this relate to midterm drama?

Putting together the previous post, it became apparent to me how disproportionally important both my grades, and the desire to have my professors (and other students) like me had become.

What an awkward realization, and what a double-edged sword.

How can I be in an academic environment and deny the importance of good grades and networking? Good grades will help me secure financial aid, open up more opportunities and eventually help me find a career I can truly enjoy. Should I decide to continue on to grad school (It could happen!) having a good relationship with my professors is key. Networking with other students has already helped (study groups rock!) and you never know why some people end up in your life, so why not be open to the process?

But...

I haven't even gotten the results of my midterms back and I'm already interpreting the eventual results as a statement on my worth as a person. It's worse than annual review time. Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Do people like me? What does it say about my self-worth that I'm actually concerned with what students fifteen and twenty years my junior think about me as a person? Why does it matter if I impress my professors, or if they think I'm smart?

If returning to school is supposed to be about the process of learning, getting to know myself and what I really want, and letting go of others' false expectations for me, why am I still so invested in being an A student and having everyone like me? More importantly, what can I do to let go of that need for perfection when it's followed me through every day and every stage of my life and is as natural and automatic to me as breathing?

I don't know yet. But I sure as hell hope to figure it out - sooner, rather than later, because that answer would be better than all the straight A's and outside approval I could ever hope to earn.

Walt Fucking Disney. It's like I invented PMS around here.

posted by Space Kitty at 9:00 AM|| Comments (5)