DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?
If so, could you give me a little help?
Realizing how much I've procrastinated on everything school-related, I decided to give my notice at work. My last day will be this Friday. Depending on which school I end up attending, that leaves me between two weeks and a month to make all the arrangements.
So why aren't I swinging from the rafters with joy? Mostly it's struggling to determine what this means in terms of my identity. I realize I've spent all too much time invested in - and defined by - roles determined by my relation to others. Being the adopted kid. Having an identical twin. Becoming a single mom. Volunteering as a political activist. Hell, I was even - briefly and ill-advisedly - a wife. And - for nearly twenty years - a corporate wage-slave.
And even though I've always wanted to let it go, a huge part of me still identifies as the hard-working (if reluctant) provider, navigating the evils of the corporate world. I don't like it, but I know how. I know the rules - the wardrobe - the manners - the culture. I know what's expected of me, I know how to behave and I know what to do in order to succeed. I realized I had to make a change because I was no longer capable of pushing myself to do those things well enough, and often enough, to keep from getting fired. That, and - well, it was sucking my soul.
So who the hell am I now? Well, I'm about to become what is euphemistically known as 'an adult learner'.
As I begin this process, let's hope I can keep this quote I yoinked from the_bone's copy of this foremost in my mind: "Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner".
Then maybe my newest incarnation will be defined by me, and not by the circumstances that surround me.
You're absolutely correct about abandoning concern for what others think. Easier said than done, I know. And I share your frustration about being an "adult learner." I just turned thirty last spring and am back in school to earn a degree that (please, baby Jesus) has some chance of earning me a job that actually requires a college degree -- and the rise in pay that goes along with that, of course.
A bad choice in my first degree and subsequent events forced me into job after job that required nothing more rigorous than a high school diploma and some cash handling experience. The fallout has been metric assloads of frustration and a neverending fight just to get the time to better myself. And all the while, I've been kicking myself for not getting on the ball sooner.
In short, you're in good company. A lot of smart people like you are in the very same boat. Some of us just have to meander the backroads awhile to figure things out, that's all. The fact that you've been able to raise that girl of yours and take care of business is a testament to your strength and skill. You got nowhere to go but up. It's frustrating as hell getting there, but it's worth it.
-- by
middleclasstool, at
7/28/2005 6:19 PM