SpaceKittyRedux: Thinking instead of sleeping....

Friday, May 13, 2005

Thinking instead of sleeping....

I've been thinking a lot lately about balance. One of the main recurring themes in my life has been the search for equilibrium: how to balance my obligations to others vs. my obligations to myself.

My obligations to myself have necessarily been on the back burner for some time. When Space Kitten was young, I was a single parent. I worked at a series of soul-sucking corporate jobs because we needed the salary and benefits. What do I want to do with my life wasn't even on the map. It was up to me keep food on the table, and any incidental career satisfaction came from the 'I can't fucking afford to get fired' sense of urgency that every head of household recognizes.

Consequently, for years now I've struggled with the fact that large amounts of my time and energy are spent doing things that mean very little to me. (Note to self: after a good night's sleep enumerate the things you'd prefer to spend large amounts of time and energy on. And behave - this is a family blog. ::eyeroll::)

But what about now? It's been some time since I've been financially responsible for another, and yet I realize that my life still bears very little resemblence to the life I actually want. It's terrifying to think that I've resisted change all along due to what - fear? Inertia? Have I really trudged along, settling for something that's never really been me because I'm afraid of success? Could that really be it?

And now that I'm on the verge of real change* - how do I know I'll make it happen? If the point of power exists in the current moment - and I'm not making the changes I need to make - why do I think that turning my entire life upside down will give me the strength to make those changes?

*oh, so much more on this soon.

So I have a lot more questions than answers - it's nearly 1 am - and somehow I don' t think this brings me any closer to actually taking care of myself. But I have to believe that starting to ask the questions will bring me closer to the answers...

posted by Space Kitty at 12:08 AM|| Comments (4)

4 Comments:

Answers are overrated. Most people don't even know which questions they should be asking themselves.

I'll direct the rest of my response to email, since I just wrote it out and it looks like "cut-rate Tony Robbins" stuff.

-- by Bone, at 5/13/2005 6:07 AM

I agree with the bone. The important part is knowing that you want to change, and being willing to let go of old patterns. The answers fall into your lap when you do that.

You don't need to change things you need to change your thoughts. And you're doing that. So it's gravy :)

-- by Kimberly, at 5/13/2005 10:13 AM

Ahhhh, I forgot about the power of being willing to change. Good call. I spend so much time with my hair on fire running around wanting Answers that I forget sometimes answers will do just fine too.

Yesterday's hormone-fueled post was brought to you by the letter M (for moodswing).

More thinking and posting later. I'm on a roll. (oh, and see squoogy for some ridiculous developments in the dangers of email)

-- by Space Kitty, at 5/13/2005 10:32 AM

Actually, it's the warm weather that's bringing my brain back to life. I'll leave it to others to decide whether or not that's a good thing. But thanks for playing!

:D