Thinking...
I often think I don't have anything to say, but when it gets down too it, I think I have too much to say, and it's hard narrowing it all down into a little blog space. Instead of a real reflection of what's going on in my life, I end up with a laundry list of What Space Kitty Did This Week.
Which is fine, I suppose - anything I can do to help develop a chronology of my life is great. My memory is for shit, and by leaving a written record I get both the actual details and visceral recall of what my life is like at any given point. I wish I'd done this, even on paper, a long time ago - there are years and years that are just missing, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get that back.
The problem is... it feels like writing home from camp. No - it's more than that. This level of self-conscious, public analysis - who am I reporting my good behavior too? "Yay! I cleaned the garage! Boo! I still don't have a job!" This just feeds into the feeling that I only exist when I'm accomplishing tangible things. That there is a specific way to be, and expectations I'm supposed to live up to. What would happen if I let go of the need to worry about what the neighbors think? Let go of having to do and say The Right Thing? Or even in the belief that there IS a specific, one right thing. What if I only worried about my own approval?
So - yeah. There's a lot more to be developed along that train of thought, but the ideas aren't yet fully formed. And after all, there's still laundry to do.
These are the sort of things I think about when I can't sleep and end up listening to NPR & the falling rain until 2:30 in the morning. Here's hoping for some real sleep tonight.
Well, the blog doesn't have to be a journal. That's the beeeyootiful thing about blogs... I know you like to surf a lot and find interesting stuff to read, you could post links to that stuff and then do a journal-y entry when you actually feel like it.
-- by
Kimberly, at
2/15/2005 9:31 AM